Mar 1, 2015

and then

it's like do i put on some television show I've  seen 5+ times and put a hot water bottle on the parts that hurt and be a waste of space, a cloud, a black hole? do i write, like i know i should, while something relentlessly makes it seem forever impossible, do i cry, am I breathing too fast? do i start a film that i know will be really good, do i change the lightbulbs that have blown, do i finish that book even though it’s not filling that void, do i go through old notebooks, do i eat, do i fold your laundry, do i sleep with your dirty shirt because it smells like first falling for you when i was too scared to fall asleep with you in my bed, do i put on joanna newsom so my heart can crack open and leak,  do i stay cold, do i put on a sweater, do i forget or remember.
Regardless, eventually there is this dull, dark fog that settles, a place you go, without meaning to, the tiny loud things my heart does and how many times a week I talk to the plants until I end up crying. the days I swear I'm somebody else until I fall into a world only I could find, it has my name all over it. whispering the name until something old and familiar washes over me and I pretend again to know what it's like to be free, I pretend to know what it's like to hear the ringing of your phone on the line with a click and your voice, there suddenly. you're not looking hard enough, you are not thinking this through. 'you're too clingy, you're too sad, you're always afraid,' it says and you listen. you listen and you walk away. you listen and the world gets smaller and smaller until it's nothing at all. you've been nowhere, it's january, the window is open and the bar right across the street is protected by a line of dressed up giggly girls with boots up to their knees and a brave buzzed loudness to their voices. cigarette smoking drunkboys that crack jokes and get in wild fights in the street in front of the girls, crowded-hour-long-brawls like animals only worse because there is no rhyme or reason here, it is only pride. it is only a sadness.  I shiver from the cold, sharp air but I don't dare close the window . because I want to feel clean. I want to be myself, all the way and true. we're alone, you and I.